“Roshi [his Zen Buddhist teacher] said something nice to me one time. He said that the older you get, the lonelier you become, and the deeper the love you need.
Which means that this hero that you’re trying to maintain as the central figure in the drama of your life— this hero is not enjoying the life of a hero.
You’re exerting a tremendous maintenance to keep this heroic stance available to you, and the hero is suffering defeat after defeat.
And they’re not heroic defeats; they’re ignoble defeats.
Finally, one day you say, ‘Let him die— I can’t invest any more in this heroic position.’
From there, you just live your life as if it’s real— as if you have to make decisions even though you have absolutely no guarantee of any of the consequences of your decisions.”
Stranger Song on Once More with Felix, 1967